


T Shirts and True Selves

by dhyanshiva



Series: Character Contemplations [1]
Category: Shubh Mangal Zyada Saavdhan (2020)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon Disabled Character, Gen, Light Angst, M/M, Pride
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:07:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23770570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dhyanshiva/pseuds/dhyanshiva
Summary: “He’s okay. We’ll get back to him.”Rajni prayed like never before, begging for strength, for Aman’s safety. Everything was on the line here and she refused to pretend that it wasn’t. This fight wasn’t a joke, it was a matter of life and death.Or, what Kartik Singh and Rajni Tripathi do in the two days between the almost wedding and their return home.I implore you to also read the notes before and after this piece,
Relationships: Aman Tripathi and Rajni Tripathi, Kartik Singh and Rajni Tripathi, Kartik Singh/Aman Tripathi
Series: Character Contemplations [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1815457
Comments: 11
Kudos: 25





	T Shirts and True Selves

**Author's Note:**

> This is something of a stream of consciousness and my tribute to the absolute gem that is Rajni Tripathi. She's particularly close to my heart as I see myself in her in many instances.  
> Thank you, once again, to Hitesh for writing such an excellent character and giving us respectful rep in terms of her disability. My admiration for both Hitesh and Rajni know no bounds and this is my thank you to them both.
> 
> Aside from checking that this is grammatically sound, I've just let this piece be as is. I've not revised it in any way and it comes from a placed of mixed emotions, the words practically writing themselves. It's in its rawest form and one of the pieces I never knew I needed to write, if not for SMZS then for myself.
> 
> Much love,  
> Dhyan x

Utterly exhausted, Kartik and Rajni trudged out of the train station. He could see her in deep thought and let her be. Knowing he couldn’t let Rajni go back at this hour, amidst that chaos, he stood at an impasse. Likewise, Rajni knew she couldn’t let Aman’s boyfriend go back to Delhi. Nor could they return to the Tripathis, not immediately anyway. Kartik looked down at her, a wave of adoration overwhelming him. He was proud to call her family, if only between them. At that, he was reminded painfully of the man he’d been forced to leave behind. Bringing out his phone to check the time, he grimaced. Exactly 24 hours prior, he and Aman were in a similar position to this one, stranded and lost. He glanced around. They’d need to find a place to stay for tonight. Thankfully, Kartik had his bag with him and so, was prepared for this (dismal) turn of events. Gesturing to a dinky B and B behind them, he smiled half-heartedly at Aman’s cousin.

“Shall we? Lord knows we both need some rest. It’s going to be a long day tomorrow.”

Rajni looked at Kartik, surprised at the determination that was so clear in his stance, overriding his pain. Her heart clenched, regret and joy hitting her together. Joy, that her gem of a cousin, Aman, had found someone so wonderful and regret that they’d been torn away by the force that called themselves family. Trying to smile back, she let him lead the way and followed suit. 

Kartik saw the flash of confusion on the receptionist’s face before the veneer of professionalism was back in place once more. A quick squeeze of his wrist told Kartik that Rajni preferred they stick together and so, he asked for a room with twin beds. Unlocking the door, he stepped through, falling face first onto the duvet, exhaustion overwhelming him. Rajni walked in after him, the weight of her bridal lehenga weighing her down further.

She sat on the edge of the vacant bed, removing her glasses. Frankly, there was no point in wearing them, not at a time like this. Not around Kartik, he wouldn’t judge her. Now that the adrenaline, the shock had worn off, Rajni let herself break down. Trying to end her life like that wasn’t something she thought it would come to. Desperation and misery had taken over in that moment. The overwhelming pride she felt for her brother and Kartik was quashed at the obvious bigotry from her ‘in laws to be’. She was taken aback, sure, but then again, this was bound to happen one day or another. That chaotic situation felt like another time altogether and Rajni felt somewhat removed from the world around her. Tauji’s outrageous , people’s disgust for something so beautiful had shattered any remaining hope and in the spur of the moment, she climbed the horse and left. Just like that, because fuck all this. All her adolescent life, she’d constructed this idea of a wedding, an idea of a partner, an idea of people. It took something like this for everything to break, for her castle of sand to fall apart due to the force a tidal wave of disillusionment.

Did she regret it though? Not now, not at all. Her meeting with Kartik was a blessing, pulling her back from the brink, back on to safer ground. The man that pulled her out of the spiral, however, seemed to be losing himself, the light in his eyes dimming with each passing second. In their stead, she could discern a sheen of tears and her heart broke to hear the defeat in his voice. She recognised his plight, his exhaustion, his dejection. Their struggles weren’t the same but they both struggled to find a place, a footing in a society hell bent on keeping them on the side-lines. Or worse, forget them completely. Mould them to their tastes, conveniently forgetting that we’re created to be who we are, and that we’re perfect as is.

She had to make him look her in the eye, hold his face to ground him, to make him listen and understand. Each time she’d fallen short, felt weak, it was a struggle to get up, return stronger than before. This was the weakest she’d felt in years and this wonderful man for helping her stand back up. She owed it to Aman, to Kartik and most importantly, herself to do this. She couldn’t let him give up now. Both she and her Papa had seen the transformation, the spark in Aman, and now, it was up to her to make sure it wasn’t extinguished permanently. She watched Kartik’s conviction return and felt a surge of pride and gratitude that here words had gotten through to him.  
Rajni was brought out of her thoughts by a concerned voice, the question making her aware of the tears trailing down her cheeks. She focused on the question, deciding, for once, to be honest to herself. Kartik didn’t flinch in the slightest when she lifter her head, meeting her gaze head on. Her family had gotten used to the ‘eye(s) situation’ but to see this acceptance and ease in a stranger was novel and it made her angrier at the world around her. She only allowed her family to call her Goggle, out of affection. Someone from the groom’s side hade overstepped their limits and put that on the banner. Hell no, her name was Rajni and she’d had it with people who didn’t know her calling that. Its as if they couldn’t see (ironically), past the disability and the woman. Kartik had called her Rajni from their introduction and she hoped he understood her unspoken thanks – it meant the world to her.

“No, I’m not. I’m glad, really, ki woh shaadi toot gayi. Pata nahi kya soch kar uss buddhe se shaadi ke liye taiyyar hui main. You were right, to liken marriage to antibiotics. It isn’t necessary. To stay unmarried, single and unaffiliated. Yeh koi anomaly nahi, koi ajeeb baat nahi. Koi bimaari nahi ki ilaaj ke bina mar jaungi. Maana, mujhe bohaut shauk tha lekin ab lag raha hai.. Why did I try and force it? Agar hua toh theek, nahi bhi hua toh kya hua?”

She sat up straighter, finally convinced as she began to truly understand what Kartik had told her in the heat of the moment. Marriage isn’t a compulsion, a need. She was completely fine as an entity in herself. It was time to instil some confidence in her companion. He’d changed her perspective, made it do a 180 and she finally felt free. She took note of the drooping of his shoulders, the exhaustion in his expression. Rising, she squeezed his shoulder in comfort, told him to rest. Stood in the tiny bathroom, she studied her appearance for a few moments. As much as she took pride in the way she was, there were many occasions when she chose to evade her own gaze in the reflection, the fake eye felt like salt on an open wound, sometimes. Tonight, however, she stared at herself, pushing away her insecurities. She reached up and unpinned the veil, the gajra coming next. Then came the beautiful jewellery. One by one, pieces of the glamourous façade fell away till she was just Rajni once more, completely in her element. Reaching into the pocket of the heavily embroidered skirt of her attire, she pulled out her phone. Resourceful as she was, the pocket was sewed in at her insistence, much to her mother’s surprise. Never had she been more thankful to have the device at hand.

Clutching it in one hand, she stepped back into the main part of the temporary accommodation. Kartik was fast asleep, forgoing the duvet entirely. Unconsciously, a soft smile formed, a memory of her and Aman in their childhood, just like this, coming forth. She felt equally protective of Kartik and as she drew the cover over his hunched shoulders, her hand reached out to brush back a strand of hair from his forehead, much like she used to do with Aman. Even in his sleep, Kartik wasn’t completely at ease, eyebrows furrowed and a small frown on his face. Sending up a silent prayer for his peace of mind, Rajni retired too. Within minutes, she was asleep.

She was awoken by the early morning sunlight shining directly onto her. The sight that greeted her was puzzling. It was Kartik curled up in a chair, head leaning against the window. He seemed to be deep in thought, vulnerable too. Rather than shock him out of his stupor by approaching him now. Instead, she went off to brush her teeth and feel less like a zombie. She created a bit of an (unnecessary) racket in the process and it had the intended effect. When she emerged, his stance had changed completely, mask back in place. She pulled up the only other chair to sit opposite him. Immediately, she was drawn to the garment he clutched with both hands. The T Shirt was held close to his chest, protectively almost. She recognised it as one of Aman’s favourites and at the thought of her beloved cousin, she was filled with apprehension and compassion in equal measure. The quiver in Kartik’s voice as he spoke told her he felt the same. For the nth time since Aman had taken a stand, Rajni thanked whatever force had brought these two together. Aman deserved all the love in the world and Kartik was so forthcoming with it, the evidence of which she’d seen in Aman’s ‘heart eyes’, his impossibly wide grin. It was heartbreaking to her that she only recollected such warmth and genuine happiness from when they were still young and naïve. It was baffling to her that her aunt and uncle didn’t cherish this and sought to act completely oblivious to the blessing that Kartik was.

“Do you think Aman’s alright? Do you know what his parents would have done? You know Aman best and I trust you, Rajni. Please, don’t embellish it. I – It’s my fault, this whole mess -.”  
At that, she cut him off. She had to nip this misconception at the bud before it became a gnarly vine that clung to him. Reaching out, she used her index to tilt his head up a little, making sure she had his focus. He had to understand this. She didn’t think her family would dare contact her, what with Tauji’s word being the law. They couldn’t dwell on Aman too much, he was strong and worrying would only eat away at the little sanity they shared. Truthfully, she couldn’t put any trust in his parents, but she knew Aman. For the most part, he was complacent and relaxed. But if you pushed him too far, he wouldn’t take it lying down. The man was a fighter and she knew he’d be able to retaliate. He was fighting this battle alone right now, but she vowed to return, for her and Kartik to return. They’d support him, even if it meant drawing battle lines within the household. With renewed fervour, she answered him.

“Aman can do this. He loves his parents, as you and I both know, but when it comes to you, he’d fight the world. And this time, its about his life, his freedom as well. He never could speak up when we were younger, and I know that’s changed now. So does Papa.”

At the mention of her father, Rajni sees him perk up a bit, a fond smile gracing his face. Chaman Tripathi had his heart in the right place but he never really said what he truly felt. More often than not, he was shut down by his older brother. His response to these two kissing was chaotic, if nothing else, but inadvertently, he’d blessed them. She and Aman were closer to him than the other elders of the household and it warmed her heart to see Kartik think of him like this too.

“We can’t ditch him now, though. We have to return. This has been going on for far too long. I’ve had enough and I could see it on Aman’s face, when you and Tauji were locked in that stupid dance off. I think that’s what drove him to kiss you. He isn’t impulsive, as you know, but he knew what would come next, either way. He seized the moment with both hands and it’s time for you to do the same. This is one chance we can’t afford to lose.”

This situation had put her and Kartik side by side, each other’s support and working towards a common goal. They spent the rest of the day, sheltered from the outside world, in front of that window. As Kartik learnt more of her childhood, Aman’s childhood, he began to understand the dynamics of the family a bit better. In return, he told Rajni about how he and Aman first met. The account made her grin like a fool. She could see it in his eyes, the sincere affection and adoration for her cousin. Soon into the story arrived two individuals of whom she’d heard in passing: Ravi and Devika. Tales of their antics as a quartet made Rajni all the more thankful for Kartik.

Aman had a solid support system, there in Delhi and it reassured her. He was older than her, yes, but Rajni couldn’t quite let go of the protective streak for him and Keshav too, for that matter. They had to be a unit at home, always have each other’s backs. As a result, the bond they shared was beyond description and she cherished it with everything she had. Once more, it was the three of them against the Tripathi Seniors but this time, they were fighting for love, for a couple. As she listened to Kartik speak so earnestly, she made a promise to herself. They would win, come hell or high water.

Time flew by and soon, the sun had set, and the stars were twinkling, moon high in the night sky. They’d been so engrossed in their conversation, the trips down memory lane that they’d forgotten to eat altogether. Unsurprisingly, the burden they’d been carrying on their shoulders had been lightened and they were more optimistic now. Rajni couldn’t help but check her phone every now and then, though. To see no missed calls or texts was in equal parts alarming and disheartening. Yet, she knew not to keep her hopes up. Kartik came to sit beside her, keeping her company in silence. All of a sudden, she felt weary and leant her head on his shoulder. In response, he felt his cheek rest against the top of her head. There was something about this part of the 24 hours that made one contemplative, reflective and raw. The silence became heavier as moments passed and it was only when his torso began to quiver that Rajni broke it.

On meeting his eyes, tears fell from her eyes of their own accord. The fear, both for what lay ahead and for Aman, so far away. Suddenly, he flung his arms around her, clinging to her as he broke down. Instinctively, one hand came up to rub soothing circles on his back, shaking with the force of his sobs. She let her fingers run through his messy hair, over and over till the gesture of comfort calmed him a little. All the while, she repeated the same thing. 

“He’s okay. We’ll get back to him.”

Rajni prayed like never before, begging for strength, for Aman’s safety. Everything was on the line here and she refused to pretend that it wasn’t. This fight wasn’t a joke, it was a matter of life and death. Ever since her accident, since the surgery, she’d been fighting. It was exhausting, but on most days, felt worth it. She had to fight for a life, for acceptance. She was Aman’s best friend too and she knew, it would be an uphill fight for him too. This was his biggest battle yet and Rajni hoped he was still standing.  
Eventually, Kartik pulled away, a small smile on his face. Rajni cupped his face, using her thumbs to swipe away the last of his tears. This was unbelievably difficult and disorienting and there was mutual gratitude that they weren’t alone in all this. The rueful smile at the suggestion of getting some rest broke her heart. Nonetheless, they managed a few hours and were up at dawn. A small laugh at her complaint at the weight of the lehenga was unbelievably uplifting. Really, at this point, they were holding onto shreds of happiness and optimism with a death grip.

They managed to get some breakfast into their systems and decided to map out their plan of action. Rajni knew her family. She knew her uncle, how convinced he was that he was right. That no one would defy him. Kartik went completely against this unspoken rule and they were banking on that element of surprise. They weren’t blind to the fact that this was a volatile situation, but they couldn’t let that stop them. It was radical, it was bold, some may even say outrageous. But above all, it was mandatory. Rajni could see a fire in Kartik’s eyes and she knew then that he wouldn’t back down, no matter what.

That evening, they boarded a bus back to Allahabad and as they got closer, the roads becoming more familiar, Rajni couldn’t help but reach out and hold Kartik’s hand. Fear began to seep in, but his answering squeeze was comforting and chased her doubts away. They could do this. With confident strides, they made their way to ‘Tripathi Nivas’ and Rajni directed Kartik to the entrance only she and Aman were privy to. Giving her another tight hug, he walked away and Rajni braced herself for the oncoming storm.

**Author's Note:**

> I think this is becoming something of a series, though I'm still on the fence about writing from Sunaina and Shankar's perspectives. Part 2 of 'Soulmates' will be renamed accordingly. I just think there's so much to unpack with these characters and that the under - 2 - hour movie didn't quite give them time to breathe. This is my attempt to delve deeper into their psyches and understand them a little better.
> 
> The playlist for this piece is as follows:
> 
> 'Fight Song' and 'Stand By You' - Rachel Platten  
> 'Salute' - Little Mix  
> 'T Shirt' and 'Deep End' - Birdy  
> 'Don't Start Now' and 'Boys Will Be Boys' - Dua Lipa  
> 'Nina Cried Power' - Hozier ft. Mavis Staples
> 
> You'll note that this list consists of female artists alone - Andrew is literally the only man I trust (plus, the track has The Mavis Staples on it) and his discography is one of the best in terms of lyricism and inspiring respect and adoration for the subject of his songs. Rajni Tripathi is one hell of a woman and it's only fitting that Her Album consist of these wonderful, empowering women singing uplifting songs.


End file.
